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Flirting used to be a mystery for me, I didn’t know where and how to start. If the idea of dating or flirting gives you chills and makes you sweat at the same time, you might avoid putting yourself out there. This essentially cuts you off from romantic or sexual opportunities.
You can learn how to be flirty and put those lessons into practice and master the flirting skills that you can use to attract both casual and serious partners.
In this article we are going to cover some of the foundations (body language and openness) then move on to some tricks you can employ whenever you find yourself in a flirtatious situation.
Attractive Body Language
It's frustrating but true:
If you don't use body language to your advantage, you might turn off a woman before you even open your mouth. In fact, your body language can impact the way you think. Attractive body language is open, confident, and warm. Start there, and your thoughts may follow.
Something we often forget:
Bad posture isn't just bad for your back; it gives off the impression of low confidence, even when that isn't the case. When you push your head forward and lean down, you send the signal that you don't think you deserve to take up space.
Unfortunately, tall guys can get used to hunching to more easily converse or appear in photos with others. Keep your shoulders squared, feet apart, and chest out. When appropriate, dip your head — but not your back — during discussion.
Not understanding how to effectively use eye contact can be a sign that you lack confidence just like poor posture can.
Perhaps you're shy and find it difficult to look in a girl's eyes. You may not want to look in her direction in case it gives away that you're attracted to her — and she doesn't feel the same. Or you might simply struggle to maintain eye contact for an appropriate amount of time without appearing a creepy guy who stares.
No matter the reason, eye contact is key to pretty much any social interaction, including flirting.
How do you do it right? First, make eye contact, and keep her gaze long enough to note her eye color. Then break the gaze. This trick keeps you in eye contact for an appropriate amount of time without forcing you to count.
And if you notice she's looking back at you? Don't jerk your eyes away. Instead, try a winning smile which brings us to our next point.
We all know:
A smile shows confidence, approachability, and a positive demeanor, all of which are strengths when it comes to flirting. You want a natural and not a forced smile.
There's a specific smile that people flash when flirting that's teasing, reassuring, and suggesting of attraction beneath the surface all at the same time. That smile reassures someone when you're lifting that those lighthearted jabs are indeed in jest and engages them in conversation.
Of course, you want to give your face a rest to drink or talk, and you'll still want to glance away occasionally.
Mirroring is the process of imitating another person when mirror neurons in the brain are activated. We naturally mirror other's positions, speech patterns and attitudes with friends and family with whom we are close and also those people with whom we wish to be closer.
You can use mirroring to increase the feeling of closeness between you and a woman by consciously mirroring what your date is doing. When she smiles, you smile. Lean closer if she does. Pay attention to her speech mannerisms and throw a few into your own speech.
Here is a great quick guide on body language.
Many of our body language tips already help you appear more confident, and it's helpful to “fake it 'til you make it” if you're not the most confident person in the world. Otherwise, you might appear desperate or like someone that people can walk all over.
People who stumble with confidence are often stuck in their heads and focus too much on the outcome. You might struggle to make the conversation flow, stumble over our words, or say something potentially offensive, only to later lose sleep over stupid mistakes. Changing those thoughts can actually change the outcome, however. First, visualize how you'll act when confident and do that.
Anxiety can destroy your self-confidence and ability to perform socially, I have myself suffered from it for most of my childhood and adulthood, but I learned to manage it, I have shared my findings in this article.
What’s most important:
Recognize the worst and best possible outcomes of this interaction. The best might be taking her home tonight, while the worst outcome might be some unrealistic situation where you wind up in jail in another country without your passport. Neither are super likely to happen.
More realistically, you might hit it off and get her number. Or she might seem into flirting but not want to take it any further. There's always the chance that she's not into your advances at all, so you cut your losses, perhaps with a chance to flirt with someone else if the environment allows for it.
Remind yourself that that outcome isn't always the purpose of flirting. Sure, it might be nice to get a number or a date, but flirting can be fun. Think of it like a game that you win if you make a woman laugh or smile. And every time you flirt, you build that flirting muscle. That brings us to our next point.
Flirting can be daunting if you struggle with anxiety or even if you're inexperienced. That's why practice is so important. You might start by being a bit flirtatious with those people who you meet during everyday activities such as going to the store. It may be helpful to practice with a woman to whom you have no attraction or pretend that you are speaking to someone much older, so the stakes are lower. Keep it light and fun, however, and be careful in environments where it wouldn't be welcome.
Alternatively, try these techniques as you learn how to flirt online, and you could soon be meeting face to face.
Before we move on to a super effective flirting technique, here are a few last tips about confidence. Open body language is one sign of confidence, so uncross those arms! Remember to accept compliments gracefully, too!
The Push Pull Technique
One of the most effective methods of keeping a woman's interest might seem simple at first. You combine pushing her away, which involves behavior that makes her think you are not interested or are losing interest, with pulling her close through flirty actions that let her know you're interested. While the push/pull technique might seem easy, it's quite difficult to master.
To push/pull correctly, you've got to keep things in balance. Pushing her away a bit can make her want you more but act too cold, and she'll drop you for being a jerk or because you don't appear interested. On the other hand, while you can pull her closer with flirtatious and flattering comments, pulling too hard can make you seem needy or desperate.
Generally, you want to do the opposite of her mood. If she's interested in you, push her away. When she's pulling her away, you want to pull her back. The switch can be lightning fast. You can push and pull in the same sentence! For example, you compliment her conversational skills but express doubt that she could keep it up for a second date.
Pulling a woman close includes compliments. An ideal compliment should be genuine, sincere and based on what you know about the woman through your interactions. That's why the above example works well. You know if she can hold her own in a conversation, but it would be too much to call her "amazing" because you don't know her that well.
When it comes to pushing away, you can try teasing, which should be general and not so specific to the woman that it might offend her or make her feel bad about herself. You can learn how to be flirty over text by using this technique.
You can also push/pull physically. Push her away by turning your body away from hers, even slightly. Pull her closer by leaning in, scooting closer, or making brief contact. Remember that winning smile, which can both show your interest and reassure her that teasing is all in fun. This leads us to playfulness.
If you're anxious about flirting or going on a date with someone, you're probably not going to be playful. You might seem uptight, reserved, or uncomfortable, which can make the whole thing awkward and even turn your date off from you, leading to the very thing you want to avoid. It's also hard to tease someone effectively without being playful.
You can show playfulness with your words by joking around or with your behavior. An easy way to do this is to plan a date that involves fun activities such as laser tag or a carnival. However, you can be playful even if the setting isn't exactly fun, and you may have to be if the vibe just isn't great. This is where joking around and teasing your date comes in. You can even make it a game for yourself to make her blush.
Avoid heavy topics when you want to be playful, and if the topic becomes too tense, defuse the tension with a joke and a smile. Silly games such as “Would you rather?” or guess what other people in the room are talking about are an easy way to be playful. Consider a cute and harmless prank. If the setting really isn't working for you, be spontaneous and suggest taking the date to a more upbeat location.
Playfulness isn't always warranted, however. If your date is sick, has had a terrible day, or is dealing with some serious family issues, tone down the playfulness. At times like these, being a kind and compassionate listener will better serve you.
If you've played your cards right and successfully flirted to this point, you'll be with a woman who is actively interested in you. Perhaps the two of you have had some drinks and shared some looks. There may have been some brief touches. For the best flirts around, these touches become increasingly longer through escalation.
Now's the time to escalate — but only if she's into you! That's why you need to pay close attention to her signals. If she moves closer (especially bringing her face near yours), touches you, and watches your mouth, you've got the go ahead to move a little closer to her as you keep the conversation flowing. Stand next to her rather than across from her if the venue allows.
Hugging which shows warmth and connects more of your bodies is the next logical step. Keep your arms low, make eye contact, and read her body language. Back off if she pulls away.
Next comes hand-holding. It's easy to grab her hand if you want to lead her somewhere, perhaps some place more quiet where you can continue talking. You can proceed if she happily grabs your hand in response rather than pulling it away or keeping it rigid.
Her pulling away doesn't mean that you've failed, however. It just means that you need to spend more time flirting and establishing rapport. Remember that every woman is unique and there's no set amount of time for them to become comfortable with you.
But if she's into it, try caressing her hair or tucking a stray lock behind her ear. Compliment its softness or how it frames her face. If she's into it, it's time to go in for the kiss.
If you've made it as far as kissing, and she's into it, you can soon be making out in the back of a cab or in her living room. It's easy enough to proceed from kissing to more. But you need to first establish a rapport before you can build up to physical touch. As long as she's into it, you can proceed and may even take things further than kissing. But it all depends on her being attracted and comfortable to you and you reading those signs correctly.
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