How to Make Friends as an Adult Man

Because school and early jobs used to put you in the same room every day, and adult life does not. In a 2021 US survey, 27% of men had six or more close friends, down from 55% in 1990.

In the same survey, 15% of men had no close friends at all, up from 3% in 1990.

So if your circle is small, you are in large company. A fair guess is that the fix is not a new personality but a regular place to meet people, which the next section covers.

Go to recurring groups. Choose two or three activities you would enjoy even alone, such as a class, a league, a climbing gym, volunteering or a faith group, and go every week. Seeing the same people repeatedly is easier than starting from zero each time, and nerves probably ease as the room gets familiar.

Paying for a class helps because the fee gets you through the door on tired days. One activity is fine if that is all you can manage at first.

Say hello first with a plain line. New rooms wait for someone to start, and if you wait too, the silence wins. Talk to people of different ages, men and women, because you are building a circle, not auditioning one person.

You will probably feel worse about the chat than the other person does. In studies of strangers who chatted for five minutes, people thought their partner liked them less than the partner really did. The gap also showed up months later among college roommates.

The likely reason is that during a chat people are too wrapped up in what they should say to notice signs that the other person likes them.

Join something that meets every week within a short trip of your home, and say yes to invitations in your first months. Neighbors and coworkers can be a starting point, as long as they seem open to it.

Reaching out also works better than you expect. In 13 experiments with nearly 6,000 people, those who sent a text or small gift underestimated how much it would be appreciated. The gap was largest when the message was a surprise and the two people were not close, which is why a note to an acquaintance can land well.

Those senders were messaging people they already knew, so use it to write to an old friend or someone you met once.

You do not have to become loud. Choose small groups that meet regularly, use one clear opening line, decide in advance when you will leave, and protect time to recover afterwards. These are our advice, not a tested method.

One conversation is less risky than it feels, because the other person probably enjoyed it more than you guess.

By organizing it yourself, because friends from school or an old job are busier and nobody is arranging plans for you. Political scientist Robert Putnam has argued that for many people the friends made in school, college or early jobs are the last new friends they make, so after that you have to start things yourself.

The practical move is the same as above: a weekly activity, a plain opener, and an invite. The survey numbers earlier show you are not alone, so nothing here needs an apology.

Longer than most men expect. Researcher Jeffrey Hall studied 355 adults who had recently moved and a group of first-year college students. It took about 40 to 60 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, roughly 80 to 100 hours to become a friend, and over 200 hours for a close friend.

These are self-reported hours, so treat them as a rough guide. Hall says hanging out and joking around count, while hours working side by side count for less, which is why coworkers can stay acquaintances.

Keep weak ties too, meaning people you only know a little. In daily diaries, college students felt happier and more belonging on days with more small chats with classmates. That shows a link, not proof of cause.

Invite people into a second setting, because someone you only see at the meetup stays a meetup friend. A low-pressure group outing is probably easier to say yes to than a one-on-one invitation.

Be the person who organizes: pick the date, start the group chat and send the reminder.

A one-hour class every week adds up to about 50 hours in a year, so a regular slot builds up. When you are ready to host at your place, our guide to hosting a party has the steps.

Then keep going, because one flat chat costs you little. In a train and bus study at the University of Chicago, commuters told to talk to a stranger reported a more pleasant ride than those who sat alone.

Other people predicted the opposite, and the study measured one commute, not friendship, so read it as a sign that starting a chat is less painful than expected.

Stretch a little now and then. A new hobby night or a busier event trains you to start conversations, and for most men that is enough of a challenge.